Help with abc’s
Hi Steve
I’ve spent ages trying to do this abc - will you please have a look at it and
let me have your comments. Finding it really difficult to do in a clear
concise, way as in the examples, so your help would be appreciated cos don’t
want to carry on with the others I need to work on if I’m on the wrong track.
Maybe its procrastinating - but then thats one thing I’m good at.
Here goes
Acivating Even
Bosses putting too much work on me
Belief
They are treating me unfairly - putting unreasonable obstacles in my way.
I am unable to cope so they will think I am an idiot.
No one will like me if I can’t do what they want me to do.
Consequent Emotion
Anger
Anxiety
Events Emotions Automatic Thoughts Balanced
comebacks
Bosses putting
too much work Angry 30% - They think they can I took the extra
work on
on me ask me to do anything - and
wasn’t asked in
cos I’m a friend
first place/ I just never
say no.
Not paying me
for work I do Angry 40% - Think I don’t need - I know
they will pay me
money cos I’m married if I
ask and I allow them
to landlord of premises to
think I don’t need
money
Unable to do work
in hours allocated Anxious 50% I’m not competent Maybe I’m not
very good
I’m a failure
at admin work because I
Dave’s friends won’t
don’t like the job or
like me.
maybe there is too much
work for one person.
OK Steve - thats as far as I can go and don’t really know how to move on so
HELP please.
Namaste
Indi
June 29th, 2003 at 9:48 am
Hi Indi,
I’m afraid the ‘graph’ you set up didn’t email well. The ‘event’ and
‘beliefs’ part arrived ok, but the ‘balanced comeback’ part looks like it
went thlough a blender. If you can copy what you wrote into a word file
(.doc) and send that as an attachment to my ddsteve@…
addy, I’ll see if I can go over it point by point.
What I did get from what I could decipher is that you’ve got a bunch of
flawed beliefs that are probably based on innacurate and/or incomplete
information.
Are they really being ‘unfair’ or just oblivious? Are they so caught up
in their own work load that they may not even be aware of the increased
demands on you?
If you can’t cope with the work load, who will think you an idiot ….
the bosses or you?
As far as i know, having more work than we can or want to do does not
adversely effect our ‘idiot quotient’. No one can cope with a work load
that continues to increase. At some point it’s just ‘too much’. I’ve known
you for about 2 months and I’m telling you that you are not stupid or an
idiot, you are simply overworked, too self critical, and not yet dealing
directly with the elements involved in this situation. That you’re holding
it all inside and not talking to the bosses is probably increasing the
stress dramatically. That could be labeled as inneffective problem solving,
but certainly not stupidity.
‘They’ may be dissappointed if their expectations aren’t met, but unless
they are really awful people, they won’t dislike you. The expectations are
theirs and it’s yet to be determined if those expectations are even
reasonable.
Indi, you began with a simple, clear Activating Event ….”bosses putting
too much work on me”. Just reading through your established beliefs, it
appears that they are self critical judgements that have more to do with
you than the stated problem of “too much work”. In order to address the
work issue I’d suggest thinking in terms of defining your job i.e. hrs,
duties, responsabilities. This will certainly include sitting down with
the bosses and getting their input as it’s their expections that are one of
your largest areas of uncertainty. Based on those defined expectations,
what renumeration are they offering and when can you expect it?
Approaching a boss with this sort of agenda is difficult and an ABC for
that part might help.
A- I need to talk to the bosses to clarify a number of points.
B- I can’t do this, it’s just too uncomfortable. They’ll be angry. They’ll
think me silly or stupid or….
I should be able to handle this without talking to them. Something is
wrong with me if I can’t.
C- (is usually a brief statement. in this case C will be a state of being
that might be described as follows….I’ll be bogged down in an endlessly
swirling cloud of confusion and feelings of inadequacy. One flawed thought
will lead to another and another and it’ll just keep going around with no
chance of resolution unless something or someone else resolves this. I will
feel terrible and the longer this situation continues, the worse I’ll feel.)
refuted B- this ‘talk’ with the bosses will be uncomfortable because of my
nervousness and reluctance to ‘confront’. (Indi, in your case..)I know
these people, they are friends not just bosses. For the most part they are
reasonable and fair although from time to time, they seem to be a bit
thoughtless re: their demands on me. Discussing those demands re: normal
and ‘crisis’ days will result in everyone, especially me, feeling more
secure in this work environment. A ’sit down’ with them will also be to
their benefit as it will help them be aware of the productivity, present
and future, of this shop. I can initiate this meeting by simply telling
them that I’m feeling pressured and would like to discuss work loads, asap
as the situation is escalating.
new consequent C- The swirling has stopped. I have a direction and steps to
take that will clearly establish a framework within which I can function
without confusion and uncertainty. I feel free of that burden.
This making any sense?
Steve
www.cognitivequitting.com