My Temper (again)
Hi Cat,
I’m so relieved that if I piss you off, I’m out of range. 
Seriously though, while you may have some ‘flatware’ life issues to look
at, keep in mind that ‘over the top’ reactions are still very likely
fueled, at least in part, by recovery. Realistically, you may be looking at
another few months till your physiological recovery has stabilized to the
point that if you ‘lose it’, it’s probably not quit related.
ducking,
Steve
www.cognitivequitting.com
November 20th, 2003 at 5:37 pm
In a message dated 18/01/02 16:14:18 GMT Standard Time, katie@… writes:
Hey Cat
Just cos we quit smoking doesn’t mean we have turned into saints - still got
all the ‘normal’ responses like anger, like getting out of control.
And to me its a sort of ‘control’ issue and something to do with
‘perfectionism’, and not sure what else - I know what I mean but can’t get
my head into explaining it very well - maybe Steve can help us out, maybe he
already has and I just haven’t got to that post.
Although I quit drinking over 5 years ago I still have times - when I get
angry (sort of - but don’t throw forks) Just had a thought - something about
anger and when I get angry its usually to do with false beliefs - and its
something to do with false beliefs about other peoples expectations of me
whether they are real or imagined which can cause me to feel guilty which
manifests itself in me saying - I’ll show him/her, I’ll drink, or I’ll smoke,
that’ll show him/her.
Can I throw this around the melting pot - let me know what you think Cat -
maybe we can play catch up in spinchat over weekend????
((((Cat))))))
Namaste
Indi
November 21st, 2003 at 1:42 am
I wasn’t as polite in my wording as you.
I don’t know what would have happened if this had occurred at 6 weeks
quit. I may have handled it differently (worse?). I do know that
the whole conflict was tempered much much quicker due to my change in
thinking lately which affects my husband’s way of dealing with
conflict with me. i.e., our relationship has changed somewhat and
the verdict is still out on whether it’s been a good change or not
(his verdict, I’m convinced it’s better and he’s starting to see it
that way also, I hope).
You know more than you know, you know what I mean, Jellybean?
- Cat
November 21st, 2003 at 8:57 am
— In CognitiveQuitSmoking@y…, Jacknindi@a… wrote:
Just had a thought - something about
think Cat -
Maybe deep down we’re just looking for another excuse - ? Although
my anger is this situation was real and, damn it, justified. I just
don’t handle my anger well. And no, I haven’t really done any ABC’s
for overall anger, I guess that’s something I need to start thinking
about.
Maybe on Sunday if I don’t ’see’ you tonight. Going out of town on
Saturday. I need to get back to work now, maybe I can log back on
around 5:00 my time but we’ll have to see.
Later gator,
- Cat
November 21st, 2003 at 4:12 pm
Uh oh, don’t tell my family. I may end up in the Homeless Shelter
this weekend.
- Cat
November 21st, 2003 at 11:27 pm
Uh oh. Don’t tell my family. I may be in the Homeless Shelter this
weekend.
- Cat
November 22nd, 2003 at 1:07 pm
In a message dated 18/01/02 19:51:24 GMT Standard Time, todora@…
writes:
You are sooo right Gail - but at least we know about Warren now so don’t have
to keep running around in circles
Indi
November 23rd, 2003 at 4:26 am
Well, then, you know what to do. Think of “weekend” happenings where
- Cat
you think you will get “triggered” and write out some ABC’s or What
If’s. Get crackin’.
Hey, I love being on the other side of the whip for once!
November 23rd, 2003 at 7:04 pm
Hi KatieLou,
you wrote:
“I’m numb over this one and a little panicky. …..
I’m not particularly nervous, stressed or anything -…..
actually very happy it’s Friday and looking forward to the weekend….
(or am I? Weekends are always hard for me….)”
You appear pretty torn between choices. Does ‘torn’ feel like ‘confused’?
You say you’re feeling “numb” and a “little panicky”? When our chemical
addiction dictated that it was ‘time’ to add more nic, “numb”,
brain fogged, forgetful and “panicky”, anxious, aggitated
were the first symptoms we began to respond to. Our response was, light
up. Our reward was, a temporary reprieve from “numb and panicky”. And then
silently and ever so softly the feelings of numb and confused and antsy
began their march back to the point where we were compelled to respond
again.
a rough ABC:
A- I’m feeling some numb and panicky. The generally unsettled feeling is
uncomfortable.
B- The fastest way I’ve ever dealt with this place is to light up.
C- I want to smoke NOW!
B1- Ok, I’m feeling numb and panicky. Are they nic level related? Is the
‘numb’ due to fatigue, hunger, boredom? Am I feeling panicky because I
don’t know if I can ‘figure it out’? And if I can’t figure it out, can I
hang on?
What can I do to relieve these sensations in a nonsmoking way, and in a
non-edible way also? (KatieLou, I need your input here. What alternative
responses can you think of that would be acceptable to you and would
produce a possitive effect?)
Taking into account whatever normal physical sensations come with this
stage in a quit, I can step back, look, and come up with a nonsmoking
response.
C1- I’ll choose to ….(KatieLou, fill this space in)….
Steve
www.cognitivequitting.com
November 24th, 2003 at 2:18 am
ummmm forks and whips? Cat, you scare me.
www.cognitivequitting.com
November 24th, 2003 at 4:48 pm
Aw geeze
yes, there is going to be a lot of very intense
emotion. There already is. This emotional explosion may set off an
avalanche of old patterns. Intellectually you know smoking won’t help any
of what’s happening, but emotionally, it may look awfully appealing. One
step at a time Gail.
Email me if you want to talk,
Steve
www.cognitivequitting.com
November 25th, 2003 at 9:48 pm
Pam, we need a File called: “Your Family’s Guide to You as a Quitter” or
“Run!! Here (s)he goes again!”
The only ppl less prepared for our quit than us is our family. There is
so much that we know will happen, i think it would be tremendously
supportive, for our families and ourselves, if they have an idea what we’re
likely to become while we are quitting.
Thoughts?
www.cognitivequitting.com
November 26th, 2003 at 4:55 am
I’ve got ‘1st date’ nerves… I’m off out in about 10mins…. I’ll
(great idea though)
come back to this later
see ya
Pam
Steve wrote
Pam, we need a File called: “Your Family’s Guide to You as a
Quitter” or
“Run!! Here (s)he goes again!”
November 26th, 2003 at 12:10 pm
Steve had said
enjoy
It was ‘ace’ as we say here in England. Ace :))
Pam
November 27th, 2003 at 4:20 pm
Katie Lou wrotre
And again, and again, and again, and again. So
far, I’ve been telling myself that I’m addicted. I want to smoke - I
probably always will. I have a choice and just for now I choose not to
smoke” Not sure if there’s an ABC I can use here or not
One of the things I used at these times was this mantra - you need to say it
exactly as it is.
I have the desire to smoke
I have the freedom to smoke
But just for the moment
I choose to accept this desire
So I can gain the benefit of - list 5 of your benifits of not smoking
This is letting your brain know that you are aware of the discomfort, -
you are not locked up with the key thrown away so are free to smoke if you
want to
You make your choice in this moment only cos next time it happens there is
another choice to be made.
You choose to accept the discomfort (which in your case is the thoughts in
your brain and the internal dialogue you are having with hermy) or you choose
to smoke one - knowing full well that you can never be a ‘I’ll just have one’
smoker and so what you are really choosing is to go back to smoking a pack+ a
day - depending what you did.
When you make your choice - if the choice is to accept the discomfort/desire
then if you list 5 benefits of accepting that they will probably change
everyday (they do for me anyway).
Stick with it and keep thinking
Indi
December 3rd, 2003 at 10:53 am
I’m with you on that one. Nothing like a little shopping for a
little distraction. But be careful shopping too. I did some ABC’s
for Christmas shopping a while back, they helped.
Unfortunately, we have those moments a lot early in our quit…it’ll
get less and less as you progress.
Hey, I think it’s all a figment of our families’ imaginations that
we’re hard to get along with right now. I’m my typical lovable self
all the time.
head) ….
Not a recommended course of action.
Good job, KatieLou. You’re getting there.
December 6th, 2003 at 10:39 am
KatieLou,
I don’t know if I’ve personally welcomed you or not but I’m glad you’re
here. That’s truth. I know how much it helps to have a group that you
can walk the walk with. I was very fortunate to have my 5/25′ers. I
think because we shared so much, we’ll be in touch with each other for
always (as long as the computers hold up as we’re a worldwide group!!
Smile.). I would bet too that those in this forum who have walked the
walk together will not let go very easily once they get to a year or so
because they have shared so much with each other. It’s a great group,
huh… At any rate, I wanted to let you know that I truly think you are
doing grand. Just excellent.
You wrote to Linda:
I, too, have always looked
for excuses to smoke in the past when I’ve tried to quit. I haven’t
fallen
into that trap this time - yet, anyway….
I got to the “yet, anyway….” and my brain started whipping around the
phrase. I have a couple of thoughts I’d like to share. I know you are
in the very early stages of this quit and haven’t the confidence yet
that will surely be yours if you stick with the learning but I would bet
anything that this quit is very different from any you have had in the
past. This time you have things to do (ABC’s, What If’s, Foundation
statements) to help yourself secure this quit. You’re not just hanging
on for dear life. You’re not getting caught up in all of the dangerous
pot holes of self speak… and I think probably any excuses that you can
come up with now don’t seem to hold water.
When I first quit, I always said that the quitting part was easy…
well, easy after the first 3 or 4 days of my nicotine withdrawal.
(Yiks!) It was the staying quit that was the hard part. Once I found
Cog Quitting, though, I began a proactive approach to getting myself
from there to here. And in the doing, all of the ‘worries’ about going
back to smoking have fallen away.
And for Linda and the others that are lurking but are absorbing all of
this information… How fortunate you are to have this group. Welcome.
Stay awhile and get free.
Keep on keeping on, absolutely,
Pat
December 6th, 2003 at 6:37 pm
Pat - welcome back. Glad to hear you had a good time in Oregon and
For such a tiny country
enjoyed listening to the English accents
it’s amazing just how many regional accents there are in England -
Sue, Indi and I, even though we don’t live that far apart, will all
speak very differently. As a ‘Lancashire Lass’ I speak proper, of
course ;
I also wanted to echo all you’ve said to KatieLou. 11 months quit,
and this is a calm and happy Pam, who cannot imagine ever smoking
again, thanks to cognitive quitting. Today I’ve been at a
Conference, surrounded by smokers, and never once had the slightest
desire or interest in lighting up. As is the case these days, the
smoke irritated my eyes and chest, and I couldn’t wait to get home
to jump under the shower and remove the smell asap. I’m a bit of
a ‘people watcher’ where smokers are concerned: observe how their
faces tend to be drawn and pale, and the fierce concentration as
they suck in the smoke is to be seen to be believed. Yuk.
Catch up with you soon on ICQ
take care
Pam
December 7th, 2003 at 11:37 am
Think of another way to use him. It’s OK. We’re excused all callousness
while we are in our early quits.
Spoil yourself in different ways, long bubble baths, walks in the woods,
reading, etc. We’re excused all selfishness while we are in our early
quits.
Are you getting the theme here?
- Cat
December 9th, 2003 at 11:51 am
Well, I don’t know about you, but I plan on milking it as long as
possible.
Besides, in my opinion, some of these things that we are doing
to “spoil” ourselves are actually things that we should go ahead and
carry out through the rest of our lives. The long baths, the quiet
walks (or power walks if we’re feeling manic), the occasional ice
cream cone, etc. is all about rewarding ourselves to balance out the
stress of life which is not going to go away.
That’s wonderful news!!! I guess I missed it somewhere, I didn’t
know that he’d started smoking again - ? Congrats to your DH!
- Cat
December 14th, 2003 at 7:07 am
Linda,
You wrote something today that really struck a chord with me; it brought
back a memory and a not too pleasant one. Now know this… I started
with Steve before “Foundation Statements” and before “What If’s”. He
hadn’t even written about Warren yet. (Smile. Yeah, I know. I’m an
oldie here.) And I can’t even remember how long I had been quit when
this happened to me but it was early yet and it is very similar to the
experience you related earlier today.
To all of you,
(I thought) this was one of the most threatening experiences to my quit
in that first year. I’d like to share it with you.
My daughter and her SO both smoke. I had to head up to Reno for an
appointment with a bookkeeping client and decided I’d go to lunch with
them while I was there. I had been doing okay on the quitting front. I
was still avoiding some situations that were known triggers to me,
though. I can’t say that I had completely conquered the ‘want’ for an
after a meal smoke but I was doing all right (I had been diligent about
walking through my ABC’s with Steve) so I thought I’d take the chance.
We got done with our meal and both of them reached for their smokes and
lit up. I remember sitting there feeling like a deer with its eyes
caught by headlights… paralyzed. I think I breathed but I wouldn’t
have bet on it.
When I stirred, I threw money on the table, muttered, I’ll call you
later, and damn near toppled tables and chairs getting out of there.
Now, I know you might think I am exaggerating but I’m not. I was
petrified by the possibility that if I sat there for one more moment, I
was going to lose my quit. I had to get out and pronto.
I got in the car and flew home. I found Steve as soon as I could. I
couldn’t get the words out fast enough as to what had happened. When I
finally took a breath and calmed a bit, I was able to walk through it
again with him and to gain an understanding of what had happened. I was
to learn that my response was not unexpected for where I was in my quit.
What? Is this a familiar refrain to any of you?
Within a quit you can expect: ‘Normal’ responses. ‘Normal’ quitting
planes and plateaus. ‘Normal’ fears and insecurities. (You can
substitute the word ’similar’ with ‘normal’.) I was to learn that my
experiences were expected. (Isn’t that a GREAT realization? We aren’t
alone!!!) I found out that most all quitters face many of the same
things. I know many of you have had Steve tell you the same thing too.
Well, he’s been saying that ’same thing’ (smile) for a long time now.
Do what you must to keep yourself safe. If you need to fly out of the
restaurant, nearly knocking over tables and chairs in the process, then
that’s what you do until you can get to a calm place where you can think
the experience through. I think it was Pam who wrote earlier about
coming across another circumstance that had given her pause. You simply
can’t plan for *every* contingency but with doing your ABC’s, your What
If’s and your Foundation Statements, this preparation will then become
your safety net. It will continually stand you in good stead and will
certainly keep you from the ‘deer in the headlight’ syndrome. (Is that
a true diagnosis? Giggle. It should be, I think.)
And lastly… remember, we are human beings. If we were perfect, we
wouldn’t be here. But alas, we are who we are. We will each run into
circumstances that ‘throw’ us. But if you come to this forum, I would
bet that you will soon realize that you aren’t the first to experience
what has thrown you. And, there are enough hands to grab onto when
you’re in the midst of one of those unsettling experiences, please reach
out to one of us and talk it through. You’ll find, I am sure of it,
that you have more going for you than against you when it comes to
getting free. Absolutely.
I can’t tell you enough how proud I am of all of you. This is a truly
great group and each of you adds to it.
Pat
www.talkingstick.net
December 14th, 2003 at 10:20 pm
Morning to you Pat (although if it’s midday here it must be around
I forget what point I was leading up to here. Never mind, I’m
More later on….
4am with you, so its very early morning indeed).
I can remember more than one or two ‘blind panic’ scenarios from
very early on in my quit too. As you said, we can’t plan for every
possible contingency, but what we can equip ourselves with are the
tools to tackle just about every situation that life throws at us.
These are the tools that have helped us to develop that ’step back
awareness’ which help us to deal with the situation in a calm and
rational way instead of being overwhelmed with irrational ‘only a
smoke can help’ feelings and thoughts.
Talking those feelings and thoughts through with Steve and others in
the group help us realise we aren’t the only ones going through
this, that these are to be expected and are truly normal. And to
find out that it really is ok to think ‘I used to enjoy a cig in ‘x’
or ‘y’ situation, and learn how to think about that situation in a
more cognitive way. I was saying in another post about standing
outside with Tim while he had a smoke (we were at a 2 day yawn-
inducing conference. I briefly remembered me many months ago,
enjoying the ‘relief’ that cig would have given me from all the
boring chitter chatter going on around me. This time I observed
Tim’s face, the doggedly grim determination on his face as he sucked
deeply on the cig, and the almost pained expression on his face as
the nicotine ‘hit the spot’. I looked and thought to myself ‘I’m
glad I don’t have to do that any more’ and really did feel detached
from it all.
enjoying a bit of a ramble anyway. Once upon a time I’d have lit up
to ‘help’ me concentrate. This time I’m going to go and have a
coffee and a stretch, and think about a lovely lazy day I’m going to
have and a very pleasant evening too
Pam
December 15th, 2003 at 12:50 pm
Hi Linda - know what you mean about those ‘panicky’ situations
Its a shock when that situation happens, and we feel as if we’re
going to spin out of control. With practice in cog thinking though,
I don’t think we’re unprepared, we just don’t always realise that
the tools are there to use and that we are in fact using them pretty
effectively. You made a conscious choice to walk away from that
situation to do something else, and forgot about it when you’d done
so.
Being in a car with a smoker though….you can’t walk away from it,
but you can choose how you’re going to respond to the feelings, turn
your belief system around. Instead of the old beliefs ‘that cig
smells good and I’m not going to feel ok until I have one’ or ‘if
I’m in a car with a smoker there’s no way I’ll be able to cope
without lighting up’, think about some new ones.
eg (B1) I smoked for yrs and liked the smell of cigs, so that isn’t
going to go away overnight, and I accept that. However I’ve chosen
to quit smoking, and although it might feel a bit uncomfy right now,
it will pass in time. Instead I could think about where we’re
headed to/read my book/plan out my next hol in my head/etc etc so
that I’m not thinking about smoking the entire journey. What will
your C1 be?
(hmmm, that felt a bit long winded. Help here Steve pls? )
bye for now
Pam
December 18th, 2003 at 1:38 pm
I don’t know - Steve - but I find myself thinking that you might perhaps
I can only think of someone in my position - who has smoked for years
be the one who is thinking unreasonably??????
The above is posted partly with a smile…..I would like to understand -
not fight
until very recently -
Many of my friends were/are smokers - and the chances were that if I was
going to be riding in a car other than my own it would be with someone
who smoked …..
I have been pleased to find that most of said friends, knowing of my
quit, have respected same by not smoking when I have been with
them……..(or at least have asked if it bothered me) (In truth I
have found it doesn’t bother me - in the sense that they ask) It
smells terrible!! And does not tempt me!! And I have been delighted
that this was so!
If it was MY car - I might feel I had the right to request the smoker
wait to light up -
but I would never feel I had the right to do so in someone else’s
vehicle….
Would you feel you or I had the right to speak up in someone else’s
home???
Jean
December 21st, 2003 at 9:10 pm
Jean,
there is no “might” about it. I, and you, absolutely
We don’t fight here, at least not yet :))
I do believe that to walk into someone else’s home and request that others
not smoke is probably a bit over the top. However, in an automobile, a
closed environment not a lot bigger than your average closet, in this day
and age it is certainly reasonable to request that a cigarette not be lit.
The fact that most of your smoking friends have either not smoked around
you or have asked if it would bother you is an indication not only of their
respect and consideration for you, but also, I believe, an indication that
you do have the right to not be subjected to anothers cigarette smoke.
As little as 10 years ago, I think that smokers still had some sort of
’social permission’ to blow their smoke where ever they chose. However, in
our north American society, that’s not the case today. I think that today,
only the most inconsiderate, die hard smokers will light up without taking
into account who their smoke will effect.
And as far as …
….
have the right to not allow smoking in our own vehicles. Most of my friends
are smokers. The ppl I work with are smokers. Not one of them would even
think of lighting up in my car.
Steve
www.cognitivequitting.com