Lunch with a fellow ex-smoker ( a bit of a rant)
I’ll start this by saying `I’m not sure why I’m telling you this but
I need to `get it out’ 
I got home a while ago from having lunch with a friend who quit 3
yrs ago. I hadn’t seen her for ages, and had been looking forward
to a good old gossip, sitting in the non-smoking part of the
restaurant. Had the starters, decided on the main course, and then
got to discussing `the quit’ - comparing symptoms, the degree of
comfort we were experiencing, methods we’d used, etc. I’d seen Mo
right at the start of my quit, on the 2nd day, and again about 2
weeks into my quit. I was floored when she started telling me how
grumpy/irritable/hyper I’d been, and that she was glad she hadn’t
had any of that to deal with. (Moi? grumpy/irritable/hyper?)
Ha! I have to say that she’d been exactly as she’d described me.
Mo, I should explain, is one of the `hang in and hang on’ breed of
quitters, who never tried to understand the approach I used in my
cognitive quit. I hadn’t realised just how competitive she’d felt
about our respective quits - it was a real eye opener today. This
is where the wonderful tools I acquired in my quit really were used
to great effect. I had to do an ABC there and then to help me deal
with the situation. I couldn’t change the event, but I could
certainly change my reactions/responses to it. I did let myself get
pretty wound up about it initially, but then concentrated on working
on more helpful and appropriate responses, and ended up feeling
pretty calm and objective about it all. I got a bit cross again when
I got home, but the ABC kicked straight back in again.
I couldn’t work out why I’d let it get to me so much - and then it
dawned on me that she is, in fact, envious of how comfortable I feel
in my quit. She feels she’s an addict still, and could go back to
smoking at any time. I’m glad I’m not there.
thanks for letting me have that ‘rant’
Pam
January 16th, 2004 at 12:20 pm
In a message dated 03/02/02 18:24:26 GMT Standard Time, ukpam2000@…
writes:
Any time Pam - I hear what you are saying - I too am comfortable in my quit
and I certainly do not feel as if I am still an addict and I couldn’t
honestly go back to smoking again.
I have heard people who have been quit for years say that there were times
when they could ‘murder’ a cig! and I’ve always thought oh my gosh it must be
soooo hard so have talked myself out of trying to quit - good excuse eh:)
I was so determined that this time my quit would be successful that I have
worked really hard on training my ‘brain’ cos for me this was the only thing
I had never tried.
I know I am only just over 3 months into my quit and it is still early days
for me but I really know that if I ever go back to smoking it will be because
I actually choose to NOT because I can’t ’stand it anymore’. And as I cannot
see any enjoyment in actually smoking and I’m not craving nicotine anymore
then there doesn’t seem to be any sense in me ever lighting up again:)
I too am using abc’s in situations where ‘wanting a fix’ is not the issue and
I really think it is a wonderful tool to be equipped with and as a result of
me doing this cog thinking my whole life has changed in ways that I would
never have imagined.
So be warned fellow quitters - there is life after smoking *vbg*
Pam going to try and see if icq will let me in so if you are around maybe we
can catch up.
Indi
January 16th, 2004 at 8:25 pm
Hi Indi - thanks for your post.
In all that, by the way, smoking wasn’t an option I even considered,
as you realised. Earlier on in my quit it was one of the options I
considered, but nowadays it doesn’t even occur to me to light up.
early days for me
- You’ll reach this wonderful place too, sooner than you think.
You’re doing really well.
thanks again Indi
Pam
January 17th, 2004 at 3:40 am
Hi Pam. I read something on another site this morning that I just
have to share with you. I have no idea who the author is and I also
don’t know if it’s been quoted on this site previously. It just
reminds me of what you just said, as well as what you’ve been saying
all along…in different words. Here goes: “By actively taking part
in your own deprogramming, this drenching saturation of the brain
with truth, the time will come that you won’t want a retaliatory
cigarette even if the chips are down - any more than you would want
to remove a toe.”
You did quite well at lunch!
Linda
P.S. I just figured out that a pound of chocolate chip cookies
weighs exactly the same as a pound of lettuce, thus, I’m going to the
store now. Two steps forward…one step backwards…Sundays are hard
on me.
January 17th, 2004 at 10:55 am
Hi Linda - I enjoyed that quote, especially this bit
Pam
In previous quits (the hanging in variety), I realised I was always
looking for a ‘reason’ to smoke, e.g. ‘he really wound me up - I’m
going to smoke and its HIS fault !!’ In a cognitive quit there’s
just no need for that retaliatory cigarette. We’ve changed our
responses to those events, however big a pain in the *ss he/she has
been. I need to write out today’s ABC for future ref. and post it
here. But it’s late and I’m up far too late…..
Hope you got the pound of lettuce rather than the choc chip
cookies
January 17th, 2004 at 6:10 pm
“Hope you got the pound of lettuce rather than the choc chip
cookies ;)” I think not! I already had lettuce for my stronger
moments. But I did get Snackwells Sugar-Free Shortbread cookies and
they are awful. I knew I should have followed my initial instincts.
Yucky!
January 18th, 2004 at 1:44 am
Hello to all who have tried to get me on the right path to a permanent
quit………..
I have tried to read the posts and the web site to try to assimilate
this whole idea……………
and I think I have gotten far enough to understand that long-term there
is a lot of “good stuff” there………..
I have a problem, though…………….
I found “cognitive-thinking” about 2 weeks into my quit - doing it the
CT way!!!!
And had survived mostly by gritting my teeth where necessary - and,
otherwise, finding all kinds of probably “unhealthy” substitutes for the
unmentionable…..
In essence I think my approach has been -
ignore real feelings………….just reach for a candy and/or other
substitute when desire for the unmentionable occurs)………..
No matter how much deep breathing I have done…………….I am still
very much uptight - but I am 35 plus days free of smoking………….
!!!!!!!!!!
So I have been reading about cognitive quit and thinking maybe this IS
the way to go…….but have to admit just thinking abut it is really
stressful!!!!
At this present moment in time it seems as if the thing to do is to just
relax…
and let myself “float” above the hard spots………….
I have no idea why whatever I am doing is working………..but I know I
am terrified of changing my approach……..
I understand that a LOT of people have found a long-term quit impossible
- and I may well be one of those………..
I shall be checking out the possibilities/ideas of cognitive quitting
as I can (without causing an increase in my B/P) but really admit that
reading about the difficulties others have had sometimes is very
hard……………
so ………….bottom line………………………..
am I better off………………….??????????
just gritting these teeth and counting the days???????????
(considering how long I have made it so far?)
No matter how I attempt to hide it……..I really am afraid I am no
more than a whisper away from smoking…………
Jean
January 18th, 2004 at 3:54 pm
Hi again Jean
You said
Gritting your teeth and ‘hanging on’ or ‘hanging in’ was the method I
used in previous quits, and none of those quits lasted very long. I
had lunch yesterday with someone who quit this way, and she feels
sure she could return to smoking at any time. Until we work out why
we smoke, and address that behaviour, our quits will not be based on
anything solid, and will be very insecure.
A cognitive quit teaches how to listen to our bodies, and work out
what we really ‘need’ instead of making automatic connections with a
cigarette. We then learn more appropriate responses to put in
place. I spent a lot of years assuming that only a cig could cure
all those uncomfortable feelings and sensations. If I was
hungry/sad/lonely/tired, for example, the only way I knew was to
light up. Deep breathing is fine and appropriate if you need to
relax a bit, water is fine if you’re thirsty - but you need to work
out what your body actually needs when some urge to smoke strikes
you.
As I think I mentioned before, I’d start with some Foundation
Statements, setting out your clear reasons for quitting. I’d then
suggest making a list of those emotions you’re feeling, and what
physical sensations you’re experiencing as a result. Then we can
start working out what might help. These lists of emotions and
feelings will then form the basis for some ABC’s.
take care
Pam