Our Emotional Days
Uh oh. This sounds familiar. Hubby and daughter just cannot understand what
we’re going through. The emotions will settle down after a while, though.
Communication is the key. Keep reminding them that you’re going through a
healing and learning process and you appreciate their patience. Even if
they’re not very patient, which to you they aren’t, they think they are, so
will appreciate you acknowledging that patience. Yes, perceptions are a
little out of sync right now.
And here we go with the stinkin’ thinkin’. How convenient. When I’m angry,
it’s so easy to let myself slip to that stage where I think it’s just not worth
it anymore. That’s why my anger scares me sometimes (besides the fact that I
usually have a mess to clean up from this awful habit ot letting things fly
through the air). Fotunately, my anger is slowly coming under control, even
more so than before I quit smoking. My ABC’s have a lot to do with
anticipating my careless anger as much as other triggers. I find myself doing
them when I anticipate situations where I would become angry with my family.
One of my most successful ones was when I drove home while it was snowing and
prepared myself for my husband being angry at me for not cleaning out the
garage for the car. That scenario had the potential of becoming a terrible
fight. Instead, because I refused to give in to the anger (mine AND his), we
ended up having one of the most pleasant evenings we’ve had since my quit.
So please, Katie, keep on working at it. There’s going to be low days no
matter what, but try to prepare yourself for those unexpected hurts also.
Think about what you will do the next time your hubby and daughter “gang up” on
you. You know what I did, I ended up throwing that damn fork, cussing and
stomping out. But I also came back pretty quickly to apologize (something I
would have NEVER done in the past so quickly) only to have my hubby apologize
before I could barely open my mouth. Now if I sense the “ganging up” is about
to happen, then I either change the subject, find an excuse to leave the room,
or make a joke out of it. I’ve decided that I’m shutting down their hobby of
trying to get a rise out of me.
I think a good cry is OK every once in a while. Sometimes I wish I could cry
more when I’m angry. It would probably be a good release.
January 19th, 2004 at 6:32 am
Pat asked that I pass this email from her on to the group ….
Dear Jean,
In my early quit, I remember well the struggles that I had in regards to
naming my feelings. (The lists that Steve has you make are invaluable.
Do yourself a favor and write them down when you can.) But what I
haven’t read in any of the recent response posts is that if naming the
emotion is near impossible (And I do know this well. It won’t always be
this way, darlin’. I promise.), naming the response to a specific
emotion is what we really need to work with. In other words, don’t
worry about trying to discover what it is that is making you crave, deal
with the response of that feeling.
Early in my quit, my emotions were all over the place. I was lucky to
get from one moment to the next without my feelings changing. If I had
to name just one feeling at a certain moment, I don’t think I could
have. And that’s mainly because my brain was having great difficulty
with clarity. (It was not fun.) If you are experiencing something
similar to this, I would suggest to you that instead of trying naming
specific emotions right now, what you need identify is what those
emotions evoke.
Recently, I got really angry because a colleague of mine sought to
embarrass me in front of our peers (Long story… not important). I was
so angry that my neck and back got really tense. I wasn’t just
experiencing anger but a gamut of emotions (as well, hurt, sorrow,
embarrassment, etc.) so there was no way to pinpoint just one. But
because of my Cog Quit learning, I knew I needed to deal with the result
of all that emotion… the tenseness in my back and shoulders… before
I could calm down again. In my smoking days, I would have gotten up and
gone outside and smoked a cigarette (probably two or three). Now, once
I had identified the tenseness, I sat there and stretched, took some
deep breaths, and when I could, I got up and took a short walk. Just
getting away from the situation helped me to think more clearly about
why I got so mad.
I don’t know how clear this is but why I wanted to try and write about
it is because I see you getting hung up on naming the emotion. Don’t.
What you need to recognize is the result of that emotion and then deal
with that. If you are tense, walk it out. If you are hungry, eat. If
you are bored, walk it out. (You can’t tell I’m a big fan of walking,
can you? Smile. I believe it cures so much of what goes on with us
when we quit. I hope you are adding this exercise to your day.) If you
are thirsty, get a drink. If you give yourself an option other than
smoking, in time, that option will become your mind’s choice. I can
tell you honestly that when that colleague said what she did, I did not
crave a cig… a cig never crossed my mind. You can get here. I truly
believe that.
I’m thinking of you,
Pat
January 19th, 2004 at 12:49 pm
In a message dated 05/02/02 05:57:25 GMT Standard Time,
ddsteve@… writes:
Pat I am so glad you wrote. You know how difficult it was for me too and how
much more difficult it is for me to put what I mean into simple words so what
you have written is exactly what I have been trying to say.
In my early days I didn’t even know what an ‘emotion’ felt like cos for a
long time I was ‘emotionless’. It took a lot of work on Steve’s part for me
to be able to identify emotions and the corresponding feelings that went with
them.
Like Jean now I too was trying to identify the emotions and getting them
mixed up with the feelings - but honestly Jean when you realise the
difference like Pat explained it is so simple. Its still hard but the
process is simple.
So don’t get too hung up on the actual abc’ing just accept that whatever it
is you are feeling (which you used to relieve by lighting up) can be
responded to in a more appropriate way. Choose that way if thats what you
want.
I firmly believe that the choice can only be made at the time of the ‘desire
to smoke’ - I think that many things trigger off that desire to smoke and
that these can be planned for in advance by being aware of what is likely to
happen, giving yourself options to choose from including smoking and then
actually choosing in advance. BUT in the beginning (until it gets to be
automatic like smoking was) you need to make the decision again when the
event happens.
So in the beginning I just went from one choice to another and it was the
foundation statements that kept me going until the actual abc’ing penny
dropped!
No matter how uncomfortable things got I wanted more than anything to be a
non-smoker - so was prepared to suffer the discomfort cos smoking wasn’t an
option.
Now I bet you are even more confused cos I am
Indi
January 20th, 2004 at 11:24 am
KatieLou and Linda -
I was looking back through the posts (I’m still working on the Files
I can remember being in this place: I felt an emotional mess, to be
honest, those first weeks of the quit. I could go from anger to
tears and back again in a very short space of time and confuse
everyone around me. I can remember Steve reminding me that I was ‘in
recovery’. I seem to remember him suggesting I put a few signs up
around the house, which said something like ‘I am in recovery. I am
out of sorts and am not going to be myself for a while’. Either
that, or wearing a t-shirt that said something like ‘I’ve quit
smoking - keep out of my space’
section, slowly) and found a good description of it all in one of
Steve’s posts (message 63, back in October)
“.but this is NOT the real you. It is only ‘Liz in recovery’. This
is a transitional period. I hear this all the time from lots of
quitters. It’s as though we turn into some sort of ‘opposite us’.
Our sense of humor leaves, our emotions get unstable and we will fly
into a rage for the smallest reason or none at all. Just as quickly
that’ll swing to tears. We’ve lose all patience with everyone and
everything. We appear to become a creature we really dislike, and
the fear that this is the ‘real’ us is reason to feel even worse.
Folks, quitting is a wrenching experience for almost everyone. If I
get a bad flu bug and end up with a fever, aches and pains, maybe
nausea, irritability, cranky … it’d be incorrect for me to assume
that my basic nature is undergoing a permanent change. Any of us in
that condition would know it’s a bug and that when we recover from
it, we’ll be ‘ourselves’ again. The act of stepping off nicotine
initiates a recovery process that each of us, in there own way, will
pass through. ”
It is a transitional period, that’s for certain, and life does
become calm and even again as we go through that period of recovery.
Pam