The ABC that floored my MIL :)
This is my first go at writing out an ABC to deal with a pain of a
MIL who a) smokes like a chimney b) thinks I can’t look after
her `little boy’ properly and c) can find dust in my house at 100
paces.
She was due for a visit this weekend, and the last time she came I
got so stressed out I ended up losing my quit after just a week.
This time I wanted to get prepared for it, and Steve helped me out
with this ABC. I’m not sure I’ve got it 100% right yet, but I don’t
mind being tweaked a bit more publicly if it helps others write them
out 
A - MIL arrives for the visit, and she’ll reach for her cigs the
minute I’ve made her a cup of coffee.
B - she knows I’ve quit but that won’t stop her lighting up in my
home without even asking. She’ll do this just to wind me up. My dh
doesn’t like confrontation so he won’t do anything to upset his
mother and will leave me to sort it out. I will feel churned up
inside and get more tense by the minute. The only thing that’ll help
me feel better is to find somewhere to smoke. MIL will yet again be
smug about the fact I’ve failed again.
C - I’ll go and smoke.
New B’s - I need to set some ground rules for this visit, and
discuss it with Phil (DH) beforehand. I need to make it pretty
clear that my house is now a no smoking zone - even if it means
putting up signs. I need to tell her quietly and assertively when
she arrives that she is welcome to smoke outside if she wants to,
but that my home is now a no-smoking area. It needs to be said
before she even reaches in her bag for her cig packet. If I take
charge from the outset I shouldn’t get so tense and stressed, and
think I ‘need’ to smoke.
New C - I’ll put up some signs (’welcome to my smoke free home`),
put ashtrays and a place to sit outside, set up the environment so
it isn’t the same old battle ground.
I did it :)) I put some fresh flowers in a vase and some pot pourri
in dishes so that the house smelled even nicer - she even commented
on it when she arrived. She saw the sign as she walked in - and
even smiled! I could see her looking round for an ashtray when she
sat down ( I used to have a few around on coffee tables) - and at
this point I could see from her face that she knew this was very
much my territory and my rules. It was a lovely sunny day and we
took our coffee outside - she saw an ashtray on the table outside
and obviously realised finally this was the only place she was going
to get to smoke at my house.
I’d expected some huge confrontation, but by making the rules plain
from the outset all conflict was avoided, as she knew she
was `beaten’. Smoking was never referred to all day: somehow I get
the feeling it won’t be mentioned again. I didn’t have the
slightest ‘need’ or urge to smoke. Oh, this was sweet.
Victory!
Carla
April 25th, 2004 at 5:10 am
That’s a terrific abc Carla - well done
We’d chatted a bit about
Pam
this earlier on today and I’d been looking forward to reading it.
Doing the abc’s beforehand really pays off, as you discovered.
Would love to have seen MIL’s face
— In CognitiveQuitSmoking@y…, “carlacornwall”
April 25th, 2004 at 12:22 pm
Hello,
That’s very strange because I don’t have the same experience at all.
(I stopped smoking about 2 years ago.)
When I smell cigarette smoke I am on the contrary disgusted: it’s for
me a very bad smell.
Your attraction toward tobacco and tobacco smell is a problem.
The same events can repeat again with MIL or another person in future
when they will smoke again in your presence.
Changing the place of ashtrays in your home won’t help you during
winter or bad weather so I suggest that you consider an additional
remedy.
Do you realize how much tobacco is harmful?
Realizing the noxiousness of tobacco when feeling an urge to smoke
should help you to resist this urge.
This urge usually will not last more than 3 minutes.
Imagine for example a surgeon telling you that he will remove your
vocal chords during the tracheotomy or telling you that he must
remove one lung or your tongue with your tumor!
Tobacco addiction can also result in kidney or bladder or even liver cancer.
Think of this when you want to smoke, think of cardiovascular
diseases, think of the possibility of a vascular cerebral accident
and brain damage.
Realize that you really risk being disabled the rest of your life when smoking.
That is not only imagination that is the reality: statistically the
risk is really present!
I have read somewhere a french statistical study which discovered
that doubling the smoking period makes the risk of cancer 20 times
more likely.
Doubling the amount of tobacco doubles this risk.
I think that if you are interested you should find some medical and
statistical facts concerning the tobacco noxiousness subject on the
Web.
If you can’t cure the problem psychologically which is the best
solution you can cure it physically:
You can also consider having some nicotine gums at home and taking a
gum _only_ when you can’t resist the urge of smoking and when the
thought of noxiousness don’t help you.
Taking nicotine gums is not always the best solution because we can
become easily used to nicotine again BUT it’s always better than
smoking or buying cigarettes again.
If you happen to become used to gums you can drink a lot of water
(nicotine is partially soluble) and progressively reduce the number
of gums taken a day then you can stop them completely.
I congratulate you for your quit and your courage.
Continue to be strong.
–
Michael
April 25th, 2004 at 8:00 pm
Marvellous outcome, Carla…………… !!!!!!!!!!
Congratulations!!!!
Jean
carlacornwall wrote:
April 26th, 2004 at 2:55 am
Hi Michael - you said
the issue here was an
nope, I didn’t actually say that
inconsiderate mother in law who has little respect for other ppl’s
wishes. I have decided that smoking is a no-no in my home now, and
ppl close to me respect that. It has nothing to do any attraction
toward tobacco and tobacco smell.
Actually, yes, I do realise it is harmful, but this isn’t a solid
tool to help me quit. A cognitive quit is about understanding an
urge for what it is, and addressing it appropriately. That urge
manifests itself in a physical way - shallow breathing, tight muscles
in the neck, etc - and dealing with those sensations is what actually
defuses that ‘urge’. Learning how to anticipatee those urges by
working proactively to plan out dealing with trigger situations is
what is helping me quit - not telling myself simply that tobacco is
noxious.
Using nicotine gum is only appropriate if my body is needing
nicotine. At 2 weeks detoxed and nicotine free it isn’t an
appropriate response to any urges I might be feeling (see above) any
longer.
Carla
— In CognitiveQuitSmoking@y…, “michael.havlicek”
<michael.havlicek@w…
April 26th, 2004 at 10:10 am
Thanks Marde and everyone for the congrats.
This is down to much patient coaching from Steve and Pam, helping me
get my head around cog thinking and doing ABC’s - and boy is it
paying off.
Carla
— In CognitiveQuitSmoking@y…, “Marde Tibbets”
April 26th, 2004 at 5:32 pm
Well done Carla, very well done. It’s amazing how altering some of the
elements of an event (ash trays outside instead of inside, ‘no smoking’
signs, …) will alter the mental dialogs which resuts in very different
responses. I’m scooting off to work now, but I’ll write abit more about
this ABC later today.
Steve
April 27th, 2004 at 12:37 am
Hello Carla,
I am very glad that I was wrong and that the old ugly B is going away!
You know Carla, I wanted to tell you 2 weeks without smoking that’s long.
You are courageous.
My congratulations.
My aim is to help you to stay free from tobacco and nicotine.
I smoked very heavily for 20 years and I quitted several times for
extended periods.
It’s a shame to fail and I had to take the appropriate steps again and again.
My aim is not to struggle against you, I supposed that you needed
help and I am trying my best for helping and sharing my experience.
I know that I am very clumsy.
I want to apologize for being so clumsy but I want also to tell the truth.
I was lying to myself for 20 years.
Every day I was telling myself:
this cigarette will help me,
smoking will relax me,
I will feel good when smoking,
That wasn’t true, that were not recurrent errors, that were lies.
I didn’t realize that I was lying to myself, I see it only now after I quitted.
I wanted to feel good and in fact when smoking I was seldom having a
feeling of well-being.
Smoking for such a long period was very stupid.
I don’t know if I am slipping.
Cognitive quitting is a remedy.
You are not forced to use ONLY one remedy if the drug you really need
is in your pharmacy.
You will see later how hard it is to stay quit for long years….
My sister smokes also at home.
I didn’t take gloves with her.
I told her simply that she stinks a lot.
Now she smokes only near the extractor hood.
–
Michael
April 27th, 2004 at 8:02 am
Gail,
You’re right, it shouldn’t. And actually, it doesn’t. Michael has
recently subscribed to the group, so in that sense is a participant. As for
being a rebel, I don’t know.
Steve
April 27th, 2004 at 3:09 pm
Actually you missed the point - this was an example of earlier
Carla
flawed thinking - the new ‘B’’s refute the old beliefs
Absolutely not so. Nicotine has left my system and my body no
longer physically craves it. As smokers we connected every uncomfy
feeling to the ‘relief’ a cig gave us. I am learning through Steve,
Pam and others here how to decode those sensations and treat them
appropriately.
smoking:
I read about people who have this idea they’re addicted for life
over at a quitsmoking site. I don’t subscribe to that theory,
personally.
physical urge.
Tobacco is a noxious substance. There are hundreds of toxins and
chemicals in a cig. Just telling myself that fact alone won’t, as I
stated before, give me tools to quit permanently.
Why should I do that? I’ve chosen not to smoke.
Tell me Michael - have you actually read about cognitive quitting at
Steve’s site? Do you understand what cognitive quitting is? Are
you ‘hanging in there’ hoping you don’t slip?
No further comment
April 28th, 2004 at 3:53 pm
Congrats on your obviously effective ABC’s.My MIL is an ex-smoker, but hits
the martini’s at 3 PM and stays for over 2 weeks. Good thinking about
planning ahead before there is a confrontation. bobbie
April 28th, 2004 at 11:08 pm
One of the best things that will help me is to keep on the zyban so no
thought of drinking will cross my mind. I do like the idea of having a place
outside for MIL….do you think the barn will do??????bobbie
April 29th, 2004 at 3:24 am
Sorry - this was the repost that got lost yesterday. Just ignore
Carla
it
— In CognitiveQuitSmoking@y…, “carlacornwall”
May 1st, 2004 at 9:07 am
Thanks for the laugh Carla…now excuse me while I go clean out my
oven….bobbie