Slipped and trying to learn from it.
Steve,
You ask some great questions, I don’t know if I have the answers?
I don’t know how to get part of my previous email on here with the
signs? I will just type it again.
(Dayla wrote) I picked it up and took not one, but about six drags
off of it! I am trying to analyze this so I avoid this happening in
the future.
Steve, you ask what it taste like? It tasted bad, it was a menthol,
which I never liked, although that never stopped me before.
Yes, I felt very guilty but I am not sure what I was thinking. I
ask myself that same question because of what I have learned from cog
quit, I don’t remember thinking anything, but maybe I will just grab
this and take some drags.
(Dayla wrote) I don’t know if smoking was so strong on my mind, since
I did have to think about it a lot this weekend being around my
friends.
Watching my friends smoke, I missed that (comraderie?) ______ I don’t
know what the word is. Maybe I didn’t feel like I was as much a part
of the group. Maybe I am missing my best (cig)friend?
I feel this way also when I see my neighbor and my computer
programmer. I don’t know if smoking was the common bond we had and
now it’s gone, that sounds like B.S.! I really don’t know what it is.
I had quit for over 6 weeks and then I blew it, with a few puffs!!!
Maybe I sub consciously thought I would reward myself by having a
few puffs? I don’t believe I thought that, heck, I’m wondering what
the HELL I was thinking. I was not stressed out or angry when I
grabbed it and smoked it, that really makes me feel even more guilty.
I do know that I have felt like this before, although trying to
describe it seems almost impossible for me. It seems like my brain
(my Warren?) is tugging at me … have a cig, NO, I am not a smoker,
YES, you know you want one. For instance, in the past when I have
attempted to quit I will bum a cig from my neighbor, it kept me from
buying a pack and smoking more than one. This morning I was talking
to my neighbor and he lit a smoke and ask if I wanted one. Believe me
the thought crossed my mind to say yes, but I said No, I quit. It was
hard for me to say that and in the back of my mind I thought maybe I
should have just said No, instead of NO, I quit incase I freaked out
and needed to bum one in the future.
I feel very frustrated and totally wrung out trying to explain my
emotions/feelings! Especially trying to put them on paper. I know
you mentioned to someone yesterday about keeping an emotions journal,
and I thought mine would be blank because I guess I have stuffed my
emotions/feelings with cigs for so long I don’t even know what the
damn things are!
I know I sound wishy washy, but I do with all my heart want to quit
smoking. I doubt this makes any sense to anyone but I have rambled on
and on and not explained a damn thing!
Thank you for listening!
Dayla