Take a deep breath and..
Hi all
I am a lurker now out in the open and it has almost taken me as much
time and courage to do this as it did to contemplate quitting! I am
not a group joiner, I have always been the “strong one” and never
needed help etc etc. Pride goeth before the fall. Or maybe I have
just taken longer than others to trust.
Anyway: I stopped smoking on 14th October after 30 years of
smoking, with the exception of the months of two pregnanies and a
month or so after the births. I am 47 years old, a high school
teacher and executive and now a housewife for the first time in my
life. With the second child, a 16 year old, I have joined husband
in Hong Kong where he is working.
I fell off the quit twig yesterday with a resounding crash.
I have spent most of my life being the support person for other
people, to the extent that I seem to have taken on this as my
identity. I am not used to taking responsibility for myself -
sounds weird I know, but this is one of the realisations I came to
when I cracked up two days ago and couldn’t stop crying. I felt so
alone! It is relatively easy to support other people through their
problems - after all you cannot actually feel THEIR pain, though you
might empathise. It is so much harder when you are both the
recipient and giver of support: you have to work through both
sides, knowing that your own rationalising has to spot on and
failure to get it right will only cause one person problems:
yourself.
Aside from this realisation, I also realised I made the classic
mistake that I have seen Steve and Pam and others refer to: I
thought I understood the cog quitting process - in fact I have
intellectually understood it because I have learned a very similar
way to help my students overcome science misconceptions (but that is
another story..) - but I failed to do the work! I read and read and
read, taking in the theory, understanding the purpose and process of
the ABC’s foundation statements etc, but I did not actually do them
with commitment and consistency.
Now the floodgates have opened, I am wary of writing too long so I
will ask for the help I need at this point.
I woke up this morning, having bought a packet of cigarettes
yesterday evening and smoked 5, thinking I don’t want to smoke any
more. Also, I don’t need to smoke any more. But - I have *made*
myself smoke and am committed to doing so until I can honestly and
with commitment write down the foundation statements. I suspect
that will happen after I finish writing this. I am that close.
Two questions: I seem to recall in the earlier posts something
about lists. Are these the ones generated from the timesheets or
are there other ones? And a supplementary: do you/can you do the
timesheet thing when you are not smoking? Or is there a
modification?
Second: I am on HK time - halfway between the US and Britain (8
hours ahead of GMT and 12 ahead of USEST). I am actually an
Australian, for those who are interested. Is there anyone else in
this timezone that I can buddy up with?
thanks.
July 27th, 2006 at 7:49 pm
Thanks Pam and Pam. I have taken on board both your comments about
not “forcing” myself to smoke. Must be the old catholic guilt
thing - punishment! I also just wanted to get rid of the packet,
but I could have easily thrown it away :)))
I think I went through a bit of a shock - severe grief? - it felt
very much like a grieving response and I have had a bit of
experience with that of course, at my age. Being an inexperienced
quitter [do I really have to do the 10 quits before success, that
the authorities tell me :)?]it was a shock for me to get through 10
or so days quite easily only to collapse into a weeping wailing
heap. My poor husband and son have never seen me like this and I
think (though sympathetic) it scared them as much as it scared me.
The nicotine addiction thing is strong but bearable, but what Steve
described as using smoking as a response to EVERY occasion is the
killer.
So, gritted teeth, full concentration I went back to the foundation
statements and got stuck on “Do I want to smoke?”. Because in my
deepest self, despite all the reasons why I shouldn’t, the answer is
still yes! What I am going through now is try to figure out why.
The educational psychologist I learnt the teaching thing from once
told me, when I asked him if I could use his ‘unlearning’ technique
for smoking, that the first thing I had to do is to bring into my
conscious mind why smoking is “good” for me. Then address that with
alternative thoughts/responses - see the similarity with the ABC’s?
The things I have come up with so far is: smoking is my punctuation
between and within tasks; I use smoking to delay starting another
task; smoking gives me permission to be alone; I am known by friends
and family as someone who clung to smoking despite their
disapproval/dismay - it is part of my identity; smoking gives me
permission to sit and do nothing; smoking allows me to slow down the
pace of my life.
Trying to ABC these will be a challenge! I feel this is the
greatest challenge of my life and at the same time the rational part
of my brain is saying “for goodness sake, get real! You are doing
something good for yourself, that will only cost you time and effort
and is actually pain free (physically speaking)” I guess I feel
like a wimp at the moment - and a stupid wimp at that.
But I will perservere and will try to forgive myself for
this “failure” and also learn from it.
Thanks again. Onward and upward! I am not ready to contact you
personally yet, but hopefully will do so soon.