the big question—to Carol and Elizabeth
I’m awed, to be in the presence of you both—of such souls—of such beauty, integrity, courage, and brilliance. I could almost become cavalier about suffering after the fact—when I am able to step far back from the edge—finding my own poetry in describing the “ocean of longing”—which doesn’t mean that it isn’t true—but it’s that easy to forget how it feels to be in it in the raw—I want to shut it out so much—that it transforms almost as soon as… But then I read your descriptions, and feel so thankful that someone else knows, has been there, can remember. It makes such a difference.
Anyway, Carol is so right. It doesn’t take will power. If it did, I wouldn’t have been able to do this—to be smoke-free for over 5 weeks now. I did hold onto my foundations statements closely sometimes, along with the ones I added like—”one is a lie” or “this is it”—those things I understood clearly when I was in my right mind. But it wasn’t will power—it was just reminding myself of something that I believed to be true when I was in my best mind, and not trusting my detox mind.
And you just can’t know how powerful those abc’s are until you do them. Really I think it’s the process of continuing to bring awareness of the body and emotions back to consciousness and then finding ways to respond to those sensations—ways to honor that moment of our life—ways to respect our body and emotions. And it’s so remarkably true—once a way, or ways to respond is found, the urge to smoke just doesn’t arise anymore—and the lust to be even more fully alive and aware just seems to burst into bloom as the windows are open and the light of awareness pours in.
Well, there I am, in the midst of all the suffering in the world, back to lust. Sorry, I can’t help it. Thank you both for sharing your experience. Judy.
September 21st, 2006 at 9:32 am
You are inspiring me. And I had a long chat with patient old Steve
thankyou.
last night (just kidding about the old) and that was useful…
so do you mind if I go public here? (she imagine you say no we
don;t)
the time i feel most overwhelmed, lately, is in a state of
anticipatory anxiety. lucky me, i get to experience this in the face
of EITHER a scary sad situation or a scary exciting situation.
The first state, I talked over with Steve last night and have a way
to deal with now. Deep slow breathing. Shake out my hands. Feet
solid on the floor, feeling the safety of being in the present
moment.
The second is trickier for me. I am a visual artist. I have my dream
studio in my house…not 10 feet away from where I sit now. I have
always been a procrastinator…adn it seems the more success I have
(both internally and externally), the worse it gets. In December I
had a very successful show, got a great review etc. I have all these
new projects going on and I should feel heavenly. Instead my anxiety
shoots downwards into constantlowlevel figeting.I used to smoke 2 or
3 cigarettes before I went into the studio.
My heart is racing, my breathing shallow…and I could even work
myself into exhaustion so I would take a nap instead of going in
there…this despite the fact that I slept in this morning, and it’s
only early afternoon.
I went in and turned on the heat. I came back out and got on the
laptop.I am breathing deeply. I remember that Steve said to take
care of the physical and the rest will follow. But my heart is
racing physically and in my head…the more I talk about it. I used
to have the ritual of smoking to “calm me down” enough to go in
there.
A. Preparing to go into the studio
B. excitment and anxiety about that…my belief is that stalling ,
or perhaps, getting prepared, is what I need to do. Smoking used to
give me the quiet moments I needed to get ready. I no longer smoke.
I can’t seem to find a quiet place. I have to find a quiet place in
my core in order to go on and smoking is no longer an option.
C.OK. Deep breathing. Feet flat on the floor. hand on my abdomen.
Connect to my core…love and vision.Courage. Just go in and sit
there for awile if I have to.
———
Sorry about the long post and the airing …. it is hard for me
to “expose” myself…but I need to trust…you have proven wise,
kind and supportive.
Am I doing it right??
elizabeth
September 21st, 2006 at 6:49 pm
Hi Elizabeth, I’m glad you took a chance. Just a suggestion now—in the (b) section, rather than only identifying that you felt anxious and excited, find where in your body you feel those things—what in your body tells you you’re anxious and excited.
I’m guessing something like:
heart is pounding, breathing shallowly, jaw clenched, brows furrowed, lips pursed, stomach tight, muscles tense—-what else? any other things that seem unrelated, like skin dry, nose stuffy, mouth unmoist. what else? feet tired? shoes too tight? eyes dry?
And then, also in (b) write down all the options you can think of to address those sensations: breathe deeply, stretch, open jaw, relax face, open mouth, relax stomach, put lotion on, blow and clear nose, drink water, sit for a while and take shoes off, close eyes.
Now in (c) you can choose what things you decide to actually do.
Oh, and by the way, I can’t tell you how much it helps to get exercise—-whatever you like—for me swimming is blissful. Hope this helps. Judy.
September 22nd, 2006 at 12:14 am
I am indeed in the same situation substantially as you — but longing, as you say, for this someone/something to take care of you or make things easier is, frankly, selling yourself short. I have been married often enough to know that. No one can nor should they be responsible for that except you. Do you honestly want to be responsible for that for your mate - I mean — you can help. But the concept of let me fall away and you will catch me - OK for the catch, but then … We really must do this ourselves-in and out of love, lust, etc., my 2 cents. L.
September 23rd, 2006 at 2:36 am
Sometimes I know the feeling of wanting someone to take care of me. Four years ago my husband had a stoke and as a result found out he had a brain anyurism and was operated on. He hasn’t been the same since and as a result all the responsibilities and problems fall on me to take care of them. So sometimes I feel sorry for myself and wish he could take care of me for a change. But, that’s life!!! So it doesn’t last long. Good Luck. Alice
On Fri, 14 Jan 2005 20:52:47 EST sylviaed@… writes:
I am indeed in the same situation substantially as you — but longing, as you say, for this someone/something to take care of you or make things easier is, frankly, selling yourself short. I have been married often enough to know that. No one can nor should they be responsible for that except you. Do you honestly want to be responsible for that for your mate - I mean — you can help. But the concept of let me fall away and you will catch me - OK for the catch, but then … We really must do this ourselves-in and out of love, lust, etc., my 2 cents. L.
September 23rd, 2006 at 12:29 pm
Alice - we may be very different or not - I am however, comfortable with some of these medical situations that might occur. Please do not hesitate. I will try to talk to you. L
September 23rd, 2006 at 4:47 pm
Hi Elizabeth..
I think this (writing emails) is really such a good thing to do.. for me in the earlier stages writing emails about difficult things, ABCs etc, really helped to clarify things… often I had worked out the answer through the writing before I sent the email.. but sent it anyway, as other people’s thoughts also helped. It’s a fast learning process this way.
I had to smile reading your specific smoking situation. I am a garden designer and have my computer (where I am sitting now) in my studio. I had real problems getting back to the drawing board (literally) after I quit.. I’m a procrastinator too, but this was just aweful - it was as if I had forgotten how to draw and design.. like my brain had changed since quitting smoking. Whilst I didn’t want physically to smoke, I couldn’t think how on earth to get back on the board without a cigarette. Steve.. ever so patiently, helped me work through the issues, and also gave me an idea of an exercise to help - drawing up a plan of action for the next time period (say the morning) and just doing what was in it, no matter whether it was good, bad or indifferent, and setting a timer every 20 minutes during the process. When the timer went off.. take a break.. even if only 90secs to do a very quick check in, stretch and breathe…. and come back to the schedule. This sounds deceptively
simple but it worked for me.
Now back to the ABC. I agree with Judy’s suggestion about paying attention to the physical sensations in your body. At least being aware of them. I will say though that for me, getting back to the drawing board, I had to make sure I did not use these sensations as an excuse not to start. Just so you know you are not alone, I’ve fished out two of my ABCs. It took me quite a time to work on these, as I found that it was so easy to find something.. a response to my body sensations.. which would take me away from what I was scared of (eg stretch, or go and make a cup of tea or something). So the answer for me was just to face the thing and start (having made sure that I had done all the right preparation).
The first is about just starting:
A. I am standing at the drawing board ready to start a new garden design. I have done lots of prep work, and am now ready to do my first real attempt at a new design
B. I want to run away or do anything other than look at the paper. I feel heavy and my mind feels blank. I have a constricted chest.. it feels like someone has their hands inside my rib cage and is trying to squeeze my heart and trachea. Its physically slightly painful. I am not breathing properly. In the past when I got this feeling I would light a cigarette to fill up” the space in my chest with smoke. Now I am not smoking, I have a strong, almost overwhelming, urge to eat or drink something,(sort of to stuff it in.. the food that is, and the feeling) but check in with my body and know that I am not hungry or thirsty So, when I get a feeling like this, I could breathe deeply into the space; sing or make a sound; physically lift up my right hand and pick up the graphite stick and make a mark on the paper.
C. I take a deep breath and pick up the graphite stick
The second is about dealing with a distraction: so easy to use this as an excuse to stop
A. Postman delivers parcel of new books. I am in the middle of a design and could easily be distracted from it. Opening the parcel is a good excuse to be distracted
B. I am trying to avoid the work by deliberately being distracted by the parcel. I choose not to open it and feel irritated and deprived.. the urge to leave my drawing board and go and open the parcel has a physical “longing” sensation with it. It’s a slight tightness- a sort of ache- in my chest. Also slightly irritated fingers. It’s a conflict… inside me… like a little fight….I am feeling frustrated because I have chosen to put my new books on one side and to continue with my design. I have a tighter stomach, twitchy fingers, hot feeling, tight face, tight throat. Past reaction…light cigarette….. Now I don’t smoke, I will acknowledge that this isn’t actually a big (or even small!) life issue.. it’s a matter of self control and not avoiding doing the work on the drawing board. I could take several deep breaths and acknowledge my frustration, and return to what I am doing on the drawing board.
C. Have a wry smile about how I am making a mountain out of a molehill, take some deep breaths and carry on working.
The second is trickier for me. I am a visual artist. I have my dream
thankyou.
studio in my house…not 10 feet away from where I sit now. I have
always been a procrastinator…adn it seems the more success I have
(both internally and externally), the worse it gets. In December I
had a very successful show, got a great review etc. I have all these
new projects going on and I should feel heavenly. Instead my anxiety
shoots downwards into constantlowlevel figeting.I used to smoke 2 or
3 cigarettes before I went into the studio.
My heart is racing, my breathing shallow…and I could even work
myself into exhaustion so I would take a nap instead of going in
there…this despite the fact that I slept in this morning, and it’s
only early afternoon.
I went in and turned on the heat. I came back out and got on the
laptop.I am breathing deeply. I remember that Steve said to take
care of the physical and the rest will follow. But my heart is
racing physically and in my head…the more I talk about it. I used
to have the ritual of smoking to “calm me down” enough to go in
there.
A. Preparing to go into the studio
B. excitment and anxiety about that…my belief is that stalling ,
or perhaps, getting prepared, is what I need to do. Smoking used to
give me the quiet moments I needed to get ready. I no longer smoke.
I can’t seem to find a quiet place. I have to find a quiet place in
my core in order to go on and smoking is no longer an option.
C.OK. Deep breathing. Feet flat on the floor. hand on my abdomen.
Connect to my core…love and vision.Courage. Just go in and sit
there for awile if I have to.
———
Sorry about the long post and the airing …. it is hard for me
to “expose” myself…but I need to trust…you have proven wise,
kind and supportive.
Am I doing it right??
elizabeth
September 24th, 2006 at 12:02 am
Yes.. I agree totally. This isn’t about what I actually do or actually want, its about the feelings. No matter if I, as an adult human being, know full well that I am not going to pass over responsibility for myself to another, it doesn’t stop me every now and again having an aching longing to be looked after.. to go back to being two years old and to be totally cared for by my mother. It the difference between a feeling and an action.
For me this has been the most difficult feeling to really understand so far in my quit. I am one of these people who has been pretty self sufficient and no way wanting someone else to take responsibility for my life.. (perhaps to an almost pathological degree J). To actually acknowledge this existential longing was a big step… that it wasn’t some deep craving for a cigarette, but instead was a feeling of wanting to connect and even merge with another.. to go back to very early childhood. And then of course to feel the sadness that ultimately this couldn’t happen. But by acknowledging the feeling it took away the desire to smoke, and has led me to address how to satisfy the longing in an adult way.. and yes, this may involve how to get the sort of intimacy that does, in some way, help in these deep moments.
!
I am indeed in the same situation substantially as you — but longing, as you say, for this someone/something to take care of you or make things easier is, frankly, selling yourself short. I have been married often enough to know that. No one can nor should they be responsible for that except you. Do you honestly want to be responsible for that for your mate - I mean — you can help. But the concept of let me fall away and you will catch me - OK for the catch, but then … We really must do this ourselves-in and out of love, lust, etc., my 2 cents. L.
September 24th, 2006 at 7:17 am
Hmm… I did work on some issues…..as I smoked in response to virtually anything. You name it.. I’d light a cigarette: physical sensation, pauses for thought, start of something, middle of something, end of something, phone call, picking up pencil, having coffee,, existential crisis, patting the dog…
…
So what exactly were addiction issues, smoking issues, or life issues was somewhat irrelevant- they were all cues to smoke!
If you have an issue.. I’d post about it…..(but then again I’m an email junkie)
Take care
carol
this is extremely helpful to me….as were Judy’s suggestions about
the abc’s.. Your examples are SO familiar! The “stuck” parts.
Did you work with Patient Steve on studio issues apart from smoking?
I get confused (so easily these days!) about what are addiction
issues, what are smoking issues, what are life issues….
elizabeth
September 24th, 2006 at 10:06 pm
I know that there will be times when I will have to go through the hungries, but I am determined to get through them. It is worth the fight. Alice
On Fri, 14 Jan 2005 23:22:30 EST sylviaed@… writes:
Alice - we may be very different or not - I am however, comfortable with some of these medical situations that might occur. Please do not hesitate. I will try to talk to you. L
September 26th, 2006 at 11:24 am
Just a few cents here….
I see addiction issues and life issues only.
Addiction issues: everything to do with a fluctuating nicotine level (the onset of the physical sensations of nicotine withdrawal which we’ve learned to relieve with smoking)
Life issues: everything else (our association of a smoking response to every physical sensation or set of sensations regardless of source)
September 27th, 2006 at 9:09 am
Before you put anything in your mouth ask yourself this…. “Am I mouth
hungry or stomach hungry?”
Stomach hungry is when it’s been too long since you last ate proper food
and it’s time to add fuel for you body.
Mouth hungry is when you’re bored, tired, anxious, nervous, upset, antsy,
did I say bored?, there’s some ‘non specific restless crank, …. it’s got
nothing to do with nutritional needs. (Brushing slowly and lovingly and
then rinsing is almost always a good response)
Depending on your honest answer, decide what you’ll do.
September 29th, 2006 at 10:49 am
So what you are saying that when you feel that pain in your stomach that makes you think you might be hungry is actually a withdrawal symtom? Alice
On Sat, 15 Jan 2005 22:05:28 -0700 Steve <ddsteve@…
Before you put anything in your mouth ask yourself this…. “Am I mouth
hungry or stomach hungry?”
Stomach hungry is when it’s been too long since you last ate proper food
and it’s time to add fuel for you body.
Mouth hungry is when you’re bored, tired, anxious, nervous, upset, antsy,
did I say bored?, there’s some ‘non specific restless crank, …. it’s got
nothing to do with nutritional needs. (Brushing slowly and lovingly and
then rinsing is almost always a good response)
Depending on your honest answer, decide what you’ll do.