By: Ruby Thomas

Ruby Thomas — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 16:34:41 +0000

Hi, Sheila ~
This may sound strange to you, but your post was an incredible incentive
for me. From getting sober in AA seven years ago and hearing LOTS of
stories - folks don’t ‘keep coming back’ if they don’t sense/see that
the Program works. They just keep coming back and hoping that one day
’something sticks’ for them. Some folks come in and out for 20 years -
and then, one day, ‘get it’. The hope, desire, willingness..to try life
upside down. For me, they are the most powerful stories. Was at a
meeting one day and an older gent said that it took him seven trips
through the doors..the other youngin’ asked, “If you don’t mind my
asking, how long do you have this trip?” The soft reply, “Thirty-two
years.”
Feed Hope. Don’t let the brat in your head hide hope under his bs. I
quit for 3 weeks when I was 28 (only four years after starting, I was
trying to stop). Since that time, I really haven’t gotten serious until

day before yesterday. Only made it 24 hours - and went in search of
moral support - stories of others who quit. Found some on About.com and
one of them had the link to CogQuit as part of their story. Stories
feed hope. And the link gave me a way in my head that made sense.
(Regardless of how hard I’m trying to complicate it. You wouldn’t hang around these parts if you hadn’t seen other’s succeed
in the CogQuit, eh? And that feeds my hope.
I copied snippets from quit-smoke stories that sounded like part of my
story. The one below feels like it plugs into so many places within
me.I find myself reading and re-reading - not quite sure I’m ready to
start plugging but finding it so beautifully simple somehow. It was
said in response to what someone wrote - but only this response jumped
out, grabbed onto a thought and said, “Take me home. You won’t be
sorry.” He’s a keeper. I just know it. “It might be that you feel like you don’t have anything to
rely on to make you feel better.”
The writing on the wall points to feeling bad - often. Impatient,
anxious, withdrawn, bored, procrastination that causes other bad things
to happen, angry, irritated, indecisive, inflexible, self-defeating
behaviors, exhausted, insomnia, feeling lost in a lost world. Only
cigarettes understand and make me feel better or just ‘tune out’ - in
the deep, instant gratification kind of way. Which makes me minimally
dependent on others; the critical need to be self-sufficient,
self-reliant. This is getting funny - how bizarre the brain works.
Instead of people, I hand my life over to cigarettes. Like feeeeeeeling
that I’m going to do something wrong - and talking my way into prison to
protect myself. No, that’s not it.
I have a power problem. The switch is broken and I can’t turn off
without a cigarette. All of life simply ‘gets in’ whenever it wants. I
block some by not being available. Others have to be blocked chemically
(cigs). I don’t have the Teflon coating. Everything sticks and wants
me to think about it, react to it, fix it, or make it go away.
It just occurred to me that *my* insomnia (when not causing myself to
work 12-14 hrs a day) may be caused by cigarettes - The refusal to feel
and think things through means that they’re ‘backed up’ in my brain.
When I’m waiting for sleep - they all come tumbling out. I get up and
smoke, and try again. I have a fear of that mental cluster-f each
night. Not a fear of going to sleep - but of not being able to go to
sleep.
For me, quitting has *primarily* nothing to do with health, not smelling
like a stale smoke factory, the thick yellow-brown gunk when cleaning
the TV screen, the computer screen, the walls.. For me, it’s all about
finding the way to replacing fake happiness/existing - with Real Stuff.
Smoking keeps me ‘comfortably numb’. I want to wake up more. Smoking
is in the way now where before it didn’t seem to impede.
Steve, through CogQuit and through the job of hands-on trainer, was
amazingly helpful to me. I don’t know how long the chat lasted
yesterday but on re-reading, I noticed something. While I was
attempting to explain how high the walls were and what they were made
of, he kept bringing me back to ground. That the object wasn’t to find
ways to stay imprisoned - but to start walking toward the exit. CogQuit
gave me an onramp but I wanted to be on the other road without using the
on-ramp.
The timer just went off. I spent over an hour on the net looking for
the ‘perfect’ timer. Perfection-istic ways - the common sign of many of
the addicted. The ‘alarm’ is such an upbeat, lively squash of melody
that I’m instantly smiling when it pops up. It has only gone off three
times, but I found myself on the third ‘almost’ time looking to see if
something had gone wrong because ‘it had been awhile’. Still had 8
minutes to go. Not sure what that means except that I may be replacing
the comfort of a cig with the comfort of that tune. Is this timer thing
addictive, Steve? 12/20- 0910
Life Situation: Arising to the jigged beat of the computer alarm. How
will I ever remember the tensions when they just melt at the tune? I
find myself looking forward to the day and being here with everyone
sharing the same journey.
Body Cues:
Muscles/Abdomen: Okay.
Breathing: Normal
Concentration: Focused - although the focus keeps collecting others
things I want to focus on.
Emotional Shifts/Mood: Upbeat.
Rational Response: Finish the email that I started last night and was
afraid to send. Afraid of ‘exposure’. I need a safe place to write.
It helps me to write and then re-read when it comes back through. Gives
me objectivity - as if it was written by someone else and I’m looking
for clues from ‘them’. “What I say is what *I* most need to hear.”
2. Looked over the timer format. I saw different things today than
the first couple of times. Strings uniting. Along the way, I saw “If
you are leaving ‘back doors’ though which you can justify a cigarette,
you WILL go through one of those doors.” I already have. Which one?
Fear of exposing what I have fought all of my life to keep others from
seeing - as well as myself. The need to be in control and ‘together’.
3. So, what’s the answer for exposure to close that door?
Somewhere, someone has made it through the other side of the smoking
addiction with the same fear. I just have to trust that - I am not
unique. While some may be more physically addicted than
psychologically, I can see where my addiction is first and foremost,
psychological. I medicate feelings - good ones, bad, or indifferent.
All unwanted and unwelcome. Just around the corner from the ‘high’ is
the pin to pop it in unsuspecting ways. The lows speak for themselves -
paralysis if not ‘checked’. This is all my idea of achieving ‘balance’
in my life.
4. The next one came from a group I belonged to before finding this
one. Those in an early quit talking about the ‘fog’ and trying to study
for an exam. That’s where I crashed 20 years ago after 3 weeks. The
term paper. I simply had to be able to think straight in order to do
that. I smoked. Never finished the term paper and got and F for the
course - in a subject that I loved with a wonderful teacher. What would
have happened if I’d used research to work past those cravings? Losing
that quit affected more than I could see at the time. I gave up across
the board.
5. I’m looking to start a new job. The first couple of weeks of a
new job have always drained me. The perfectionist in me wants to learn
fast, be up and running in record time. I’m exhausted from trying to
assimilate so much new material. I need to ‘unwind’ with cigarettes.
Down under, I doubt that I will be able to catch on, catch up, get
proficient ‘in time’. I over-compensate the doubt with over-achieving.
I was aware of myself doing this in the last job I had. Going in at 4
a.m. day after day. I also noticed for the first time how my
over-zealousness affects others. They feel threatened, less competent,
less dedicated.. I was given the order to come in at 8:30. I tried it
but felt ‘behind’ all day. I went back to going in at 4 a.m. and just
didn’t do anything that would tip them off like completely rearrange the
display floor. What they don’t understand is that it isn’t about them.
I only compete against the brat inside - the need to prove it wrong that
I’m ‘less than’, ‘incompetent’, ’slow to learn’.
I don’t see a way to close that door. When I don’t smoke - I have tons
more restless energy to add to the already ‘driven’ cache. I won’t get
much work done with my hands stretching in the air every 10 seconds. 6. ‘Warren’ (loved the alliteration - just for fun, I might try
reading it out loud. to the sites that Steve gave me in chat. (howtostretch.com and
deepsloweasy.com) I don’t know why I fight using breathing as a
technique. I failed meditation. But I’m willing to try it and see what
surfaces emotionally.
Feels like I’ve covered the gaping open doors. If anyone has had
similar ones, I’m open to trying what worked for you. It’s hard to
believe that stretching and breathing would be the things to help - but
if that is your experience, then I’ll be willing to make it mine as
well.
I want to give it another go. But I know I’m not ready because the
thought came to keep the rest of the pack in the drawer ‘for an
emergency’. Looking at that open door, I see that emergencies are
unplanned for events. I need to get some tools in the tool box - and
smokes can’t be one of the tools if it’s the very one I want to stop
torturing myself with.
I also know that being prepared without fire drills doesn’t work so well
when the event happens. I’ll get the tools and learn how to use them in
a safe environment. Then put myself in an environment that normally
causes discomfort (in my case, that ain’t hard), and then practice.
Sorry this is so long for those who read. Part of me says I’m making a
mountain out of a molehill. The other part says that mountain is bigger
around and taller than any on earth. Start at the top and start
weighing those widgets - and wending them down new cog chutes instead of
adding them under foot.
A Wannabe Wendy,
Pamela
P.S. Warren says he has no interest in reading this coming back through
- ugh. Whatta wimp. _____

Comments on: Digest Number 1376

By: Ruby Thomas