“substance-free” is scary
Hi, Steve. I haven’t been free of “substances” since I was 19. Who will
I be? I quit alcohol 8 years ago, now nicotine, next caffeine I
suppose. I don’t know me without that stuff. That’s scary.
Fran
2 Responses to ““substance-free” is scary”
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July 27th, 2007 at 7:23 am
I’ve heard this question before. We really do feel as though we’re
becoming new people. Or at least people we don’t recognize.
The thing is that you’re only becoming more honestly you… you who’s
not using a central nervous stimulant once or twice an hour… you
who is meeting life head on instead of turning away to light a cigarette.
It really is scary at first. It’s new and different. But I think
you’ll enjoy the feeling of power that comes with being aware and in charge.
July 27th, 2007 at 9:53 pm
This is something I’d saved that struck me as particularly pertinent
to the quitting experience. It’s very much in line with what Fran is saying.
A very long revelation.
From rebok on 4/16/2001 9:42:19 PM
I am on my 16 day of my quit. When I decided to quit I never
realized what was involved. Some people are surprised that they are
still the same person. I am surprised at the person that I am.
These last couple of weeks have been a reflection time for me. I have
heard that smoking can be a tool to mask emotional problems. I never
really thought of that before. Until now. I have found out that I am
not as tough as I make myself out to be. That it does matter that I
am not “good enough” for my family. That I have found out that I have
hid an eating disorder from everyone-even myself. That I can admit my
faults and fears, and that no one is going to think less of me.
Thinking back, I realize that when I didn’t feel adequate I would
reach for a cigarette. When I wanted to hide my hurt, I would smoke
and turn into a tough guy.
When I was nervous at work and had to make a decision, talk to large
crowds, or give someone shit-I thought that if I had a cigarette in
my hands or mouth, that I would appear to be relaxed. Therefore not
the panicky doe for the wolves ( I was a female manager in charge of
about 30 men). I have become a raving lunatic.A pitiful excuse for a
supportive wife and mother. I have been so negative about absolutely
everything. I didn’t seem to be able to stop myself. All this I
blamed on cigarettes.
Today I visited my sister, and the topic of our childhoods came up.
Without the aid of having a cigarette dangling from my mouth, I was
unable to be the flippant-don’t care little sister. I lost control.
All my fears came out. All the hurt and repressed tears. I became
someone that I can’t stand to be around. Then it hit me. FREEDOM! Not
from the effects of nicotine, but from the need to let the cigarette
portray me-thats the only way I can explain it. Without that shield I
was able to feel and truly rationalize again. I was not able to block
it out in a cloud of smoke
and decide not to think about it at the moment. I can’t say that it
was all good, it was hard-it was the first time that I was really
searching for a cigarette-but upon finding none I didn’t have that
blocker-I became me. The real me.